I’ve got two pretty important questions for you to ponder today.

1. Is it considered spousal abuse to punch a husband for saying his wife reminds him of Tara Reid?

and

1. Is finding out your husband thinks you are similar to Tara Reid grounds for divorce?  

Let’s take a look back, friends, at how the story began . . .

It was a beautiful autumn day in Pennsylvania.  The husband and I were driving in the car to do a little grocery shopping.  Folks were raking the leaves from their yards.  Children were playing football in the school yard.  Butterflies were holding wings as they flew away.  Squirrels were kissing. 

Then, the husband and I made a left turn down a dark path.  I’m not quite sure why or how, but we started talking about celebrities. And then we started comparing people we know to celebrities, and eventually, the conversation got around to us.  I know what you’re thinking — Don’t do it!  — But we did.

I asked the husband who he thought I was most like in the celebrity world.  I admit I set myself up for the horrendous revelations that ensued, but it never occurred to me that of ALL the celebrities in THE ENTIRE WORLD, my husband would compare me to . . . TARA REID!  EE! EE! EE! EE! (Psycho music).

So, I asked him, “Exactly in what way?  Exactly.”  And he responded that he’d recently read an article about her, and she reminded him of me.

Why?  WHY?  WHYYYYYYYYYYY?

And then he said, “I thought you’d like that.”

Why?  WHY?  WHYYYYYYYYYYY?

Then I thought maybe just maybe he was kidding.  “No,” he responded.

But I guess the real question is Is this really how he sees me?

What I know about Tara Reid

1. She was in American Pie and a couple of other movies, but she hasn’t been cast in a major role in four or five years.  By most accounts, her career is over.
2. She’s a big partier (aka a big drunk).
3. She was friends with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.
4. She’s a fallen star who is the butt of many alcohol-related and bad-plastic-surgery jokes.
5. She’s blond and looks/acts perpetually stoned/drunk.

So then I thought maybe he doesn’t really know who Tara Reid is.  Maybe he’s thinking of someone else, but thinks it’s Tara Reid.  When I was in college, The X-Files was the rage, and guys used to say I looked like Scully.  Then when Kate Walsh joined Grey’s Anatomy, folks said I looked like Addison.  Aside from the red hair, I don’t think I look like either one, but TARA REID?   I don’t get it. 

And then I made another mistake.  As I was trying to wrap my brain around this idea, it occurred to me that he might be thinking of a CHARACTER that Tara Reid played, so I asked, “do you mean Tara Reid, the actress, Tara Reid, the person, or a character that she once played – like in American Pie?”  He replied “the person.”  And just like that, he plunged the knife further in my heart and twisted and turned it until my insides lay naked on the floor.

TARA REID???  REALLY?  Of all celebrities, he compared me to Tara Reid?  TARA REID???  What man compares his wife to Tara Reid — and thinks it’s a compliment?  HOW CAN THIS BE??  Eight years I’ve given to this man, and he likens me to Tara Reid. 

What I Know About Me That My Husband Apparently Doesn’t

1. I’ve never been in a movie, but I work and have worked since I was sixteen.  And other than the three months during the winter of 2001 that I was unemployed after a layoff, I have always worked somewhere doing something.
2. My hard partying days ended when I met my husband, and my hard partying days were kind of soft by just about everyone’s standards.
3. I don’t know Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan or anyone like them.
4. Other than college (which doesn’t count), I don’t think anyone has anything negative in the alcohol realm to say about me, and all of my parts are original.  Thank you very much.
5. I’m a red head and am completely sober most of the time (although I do get drunk eyes in photos when I wear contact lenses, and I do drink wine every night – but not a lot – really.).

I’ve been thinking about this Tara Reid conversation for four days, and I still don’t get it.  The husband couldn’t/wouldn’t explain it, and he hasn’t mentioned it since.  BTW, it took him about thirty minutes to realize he made a mistake in comparing me to Tara Reid.  He really thought it was a compliment.

I’m left with many questions, three of which are

1.  Does my husband really think I’m a washed up, messed up drunk?
2. If so, what should I do about it?
3. Is being likened to Tara Reid a compliment after all?

One more note:  I’m sure Tara Reid is a lovely person and has many fans, family, and friends who adore her.  I have nothing against her in any way.  I’m sure she is a nice person and probably donates time and money to charity.  This post in no way is intended to hurt Tara Reid in any way or cause her harm. 

Until next time . . .

So I’m five days passed my deadline for writing this week’s e-mail blast for work.  The topic is Christmas, and the point of the blast is to kick off the holiday shopping season at my place of business.  I’ve been flipping through my brain files, and I’ve come up with absolutely nothing.  Last week’s little trip to NC is still fresh on my mind, and I can’t stop thinking about 75 degrees and blue skies.  Add to that the knowledge I have of potential future events involving my work that I can’t share, yet, and my firm belief that Christmas shouldn’t even be mentioned until Thanksgiving has had its due, and the result will be me sitting here without focus.  I’m a living, breathing, walking, talking failure (at least at this one task).  So I’m going to try to knock in a good thought or two, and I’m starting with my friends, The Lists.

So here goes . . .

My Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs

1. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year — Andy Williams
2. What Christmas Means to Me — Paul Young
3. This Christmas — Christina Aguilera
4. Step Into Christmas — Elton John
5. White Christmas — The Drifters (do do duh do. do do. do do dooo.)
6. Mele Kalikimaka — Bing Crosby
7. Please Come Home for Christmas — Don Henley
8. All I Want for Christmas Is You — Vince Vance & the Valients
9. Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home) — U2 (do I sense a theme here?)
10. Christmas Wrapping — The Waitresses

More Christmas Songs I Like

1. Sleigh Ride (but only instrumental versions and they have to have the horse whinny near the end)
2. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree — Johnny Marks
3. I Saw Mommy Kissin’ Santa Claus — John Cougar Mellencamp or John Cougar or John Mellencamp
4. Here Comes Santa Claus — Gene Autry
5. Carol of the Bells — but only full orchestra/full choir versions
6. Holly Jolly Christmas — Burl Ives
7. O Holy Night — Josh Groban
8. Where Are You Christmas? – Faith Hill (I didn’t really “get” this song until I moved to Pittsburgh)
9. Believe — Josh Groban
10. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas — Perry Como
11. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen (it’s catchy)
12. Lo, How a Rose E’er Blooming
13. Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow (I like snow)
14. The Chipmunk Song
15. The entire soundtrack to A Charlie Brown Christmas

Christmas Songs I Can’t Stand to Hear at All (or Please Don’t Play These Near Me If You Want Me to Get You a Present)

1. Feliz Navidad — Anyone’s version
2. Christmas Shoes or whatever that song is
3. Dominic the Donkey (hee haw hee haw)
4. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
5. Same Old Lang Syne — Dan Fogelberg (gosh I really hate that song – it just goes on and on and on and on)
6. O Tannenbaum/O Christmas Tree
7. The Twelve Days of Christmas

I’m sure there are more, good and bad, but these are all I can remember right now.  Did it help with the writer’s block?  No, but I do think I have a good list started for my next Christmas party playlist.

The roads are wide open.  The driving is easy.  The sun.  THE SUN!  I am warm, and I can’t stop smiling.